How to tell if you have chemistry.

Recently Sandra came to me and wondered if she would ever find a new relationship. Her experience over the last couple of years has been meeting men who are under employed and seem to have no permanent place to live. She has great boundaries and has been working to clearly understand what she wants out of a new relationship, so she knew that these guys were not for her. Then she met a – as she described him- very sweet man. He was clearly intelligent, had a good job and owned his own home. They were both teachers.  Plus he was super fit and moderately good looking. A major step up from those men she had been meeting lately. Perfect right? Except she didn’t want to see him again. But she didn’t really understand why.  The point was that there was no chemistry.


On the lunch date that they were at, she found that she had to keep pushing herself to think of questions to ask him to keep the conversation going. When you have chemistry the conversation seems to flow easily between you…both speaking in equal amounts. If there are any silences, they feel comfortable and more of a meditative pause. An uncomfortable need to fill the silence is not so great.


Sandra said that she was acutely aware of how long they had been chatting and was finding that her mind wandered to other things that she wanted to do that day. If there is great chemistry then you don’t notice the time and suddenly nothing else is as important as getting to know and spend time with this one person.


When you find yourself leaning in to speak or listen and have constant eye contact, these are also very good indicators that the chemistry is heating up between you. Add to this not noticing what anyone else around you is doing and you have an intense focus that leads to a physical feeling of warmth and the urge to smile. 


As you are speaking you may notice that there are subtle movements that each of you are making simultaneously. Maybe shifting one leg across another, brushing back some hair, or picking up your coffee cup at the same time. When you are mirroring the movements of the new person, this is a sure sign of chemistry.


The one extra thing that Sandra experienced which sometimes we overlook is trusting your own intuition. In our modern times we tend to discount intuition or make excuses for why we are feeling a certain way.

Your intuition can work both ways and if you feel that quickening heart rate, have “butterflies” and a general feeling of not wanting this encounter to end, then it seems that you are experiencing chemistry and are excited to see where this will lead.

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