The challenges that many face after midlife divorce can seem totally overwhelming. The life that you thought you were “supposed” to have may have evaporated and along with it your view of a secure future, perhaps even financial stability that you were counting on. For many who were working in a job that needed a second income to sustain your lifestyle, or those who were a stay at home mother, this is even more of a fearful situation. Going through the process of any type of divorce is in itself incredibly stressful, emotionally draining and anxiety causing. However, when you add to it the “fear of future”, then the effects of this can skyrocket. When you are in this state your physical health is likely impacted too.
This fear is justified and having been through the process myself, I am in no way taking away from the power of that. However, living in that place has a profound impact on the way that the rest of your life is going to go. When you are in that state of mind your ability to make judgements, decisions of any kind, or believe that you can come back from this is severely impaired. Your reality becomes that you are incapable of moving on and thriving in your new life. Clinging to the past or what might have been becomes the easier route to take, leading to more paralysis.
Making the shift from fear to seeing your self worth, believing in yourself and knowing your true self takes an awareness and a willingness to change that will radically change the reality of the situation that you find yourself in now, and the way that you future unfolds.
Several shifts need to take place in order for all of this to happen. The biggest of them being the view of yourself and who you truly are. Not from the standpoint of what others may have said or done in the past to shape you, but from the standpoint of WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE NOW?
What are your expectations for the future? If they are that you can never figure this out and that life will spiral down from now on, then that is probably pretty much what is going to happen. Your reality will mirror your belief. Not because of some magical force out there, but because when we believe something strongly enough, the human brain will always look for evidence to prove ourselves correct. As soon as we see even a sliver of that, then that is what we focus on and gravitate towards. Perception becomes reality. We get to prove ourselves correct. Even when the place we are going to be “correct” is not where we want or need to be. Once you decide on the positive outcome that you want and start to believe that this is possible, you can look for positive evidence, it reinforces your push in that direction and on and on. You will notice an amazing shift in the direction your life is taking.
Looking at your marriage, the end of it and your situation now are all colored by your own perception -so the way that you interpret it. We all do it…and we all tend to do it from the narrow view of our own pain. Which makes perfect sense, especially in a divorce. However, when we focus on the negative, then gratitude, forgiveness and ultimately healing has a very hard time finding a place in your life. Sometimes it isn’t just the negative, but a rose-colored-glasses point of view that “if only….” ,(you can fill in your own blank I’m sure), everything would have had that happy ending that we desire. Making a shift in this perspective is just as hard as it sounds, to be honest, but the pay off is more than worth all the effort because it will have an impact on every facet of your life.
The other thing to consider is that if you don’t really know what you want, it is difficult to make a plan and focus on getting there. I mean, yes, everyone wants to have health and happiness and financial stability. Those are totally great goals, but in order to really focus on change you have to get more specific. Make smaller, bite-sized goals that don’t seem too crazy or overwhelming at first. Getting something achieved and crossing it off your list is a great step to making you believe that it can be done and spurs you on to the next thing.
If you like the idea of all this, then I encourage you to spend some time, even several days, thinking about how you can think differently or direct yourself in a positive direction to the future. If you don’t have one already, go out and buy a journal. It doesn’t have to be special or expensive, but an appealing cover will go a long way to you feeling connected to it. Use that to write your list, goals, perspectives you want to have and all the rest. It will all be together and you can’t make the excuse that you misplaced the piece of paper, so never mind anyway. If you find yourself having the fear based and self sabotaging thought patterns, then sit down and right about them until you begin to understand where they are really coming from.
The first step to move From Fear to Fabulous is to do one thing that moves you slightly out of your comfort zone. Push against those boundaries until the zone gets bigger and bigger. If you need to reach out for help with any of this, that is not a sign of weakness or failure. In fact, letting others in on your pain is an incredibly brave thing to do. There are many in- person and on- line support groups. I have a free one attached to my face book page if you want to check that out.
If this seems something that you would like more support and guidance in, or just to find out more about how you can get to your Fabulous place, click on the link to my discovery call that is here in the website and let’s chat. If you don’t believe that you can do this, then go to my Testimonials page and read about the amazing journeys taken by some Fabulous Women. They will inspire you.