This is a letter that I originally sent to women on my email list. However, I received so many replies thanking me for sharing and saying how much it had helped them that I decided to share it here in the thoughts that it may touch more who may be struggling with this. 💖
Like many of you, my ex already knew his new wife long before I was aware I was getting a divorce. A year after, they were married and living pretty much round the corner. She is at graduations, concerts and other important life events for my kids, but I have never had any interaction with her as she keeps to the background when I am around. Strangely, I have never bumped into them when going out socially.
So when I joined a pilates class that only has 12 places, it was quite a shock to me as I signed in one day to see her name above mine. I have to admit, I did have a moment of panic. This was a very small setting. All my insecurities came swirling up. Did she look better than me in work out clothes? Would I be all sweaty? What if she could hold a longer plank than I could? You know, ridiculous stuff!
Then I had this voice in my head shout out “really?” and I snapped back to the realization that it didn’t matter. I was there to enjoy my exercise… and anyway most people can hold a plank longer than me 🙂
I asked myself why I was getting so worked up about it. I think I was looking at the injustice side of it…as I saw it of course. Shouldn’t all these ladies she’s chatting to know that she was a part of blowing up my life? Shouldn’t they know that she left her kids in another state for a man? Here she is with no need for a job and vacations and a second house…..ok I was getting out of control for sure! Did I want her to walk around with a big scarlet sign on her? Well, maybe a little part of me. I am human.
So I decided to turn around my thinking.
Yes, she was a part of changing my life. However, I had unknowingly been incredibly unhappy in that life I was living. It was even making me physically ill.
That relationship was not good for either of us.
Since the end of my marriage…
- I have changed many of my thought patterns.
- I have become more spiritual and definitely believe in things that I had previously thought were just for those loony ladies in the wool socks and sandals.
- I have explored my limiting beliefs and found my power.
- I have control over my own life.
- I am living my dream and passion (that I didn’t even know I had) of running my own business helping other women find their power, self worth and control.
- Through that, I am traveling more.
- I meet extraordinary people and get to listen to life changing ideas.
- I love my life now.
Wow! I should go over and Hug Her!!
Of course I didn’t do that. Instead I walked into the studio with a smile on my face and lay down on the reformer a couple of feet away from her. An uneventful class was had by all.
That evening at dinner I said I had been to pilates and my daughter shared that her stepmother also went that day. “Oh no, where you there together?” she asked. When I said yes, they laughed and asked me if I was going to stop the class in case I bumped into her again. I told them no, because I enjoyed the class and who was there was not important to me.
That is when I realized that I had not only learned a very powerful lesson myself, but that I was able to pass something important on to my children.
By letting go of my anger at her …and believe me, I had been extremely angry at her at one point in my life….I was allowing myself to live the life I wanted.
Being angry and frustrated and indignant would have caused me to leave and stop doing something I enjoyed. It would have ruined my whole day as I stewed over it. It would have caused me to spread the “poison” as I told my friends that SHE had been in my class and I had to leave ( resenting her more, even though that would have been my choice).
There was far more benefit to me to let it go rather than hang on to those negative feelings. They would have hurt no one but myself and possibly my children.
I wrote this so that if you are struggling with anger, resentment, bitterness I want you to know that there is a path through it. Not easy for sure. However, the result is a calmer, happier and more peaceful life for you